"Susie"

(some thoughts about my new short film)

This project began as a way to honor my grandmother- to tell her 90 year story as effectively, viscerally, and detailed as possible. It began as a short documentary to really document everything- her life in Japan, her journey to the United States, her life right now, and our "close" relationship. And in this documentary, capture every beautiful moment, every thought, and every detail of her life. I quickly, well not so quickly, learned that that version of "Susie" would be nearly impossible.

For many weeks, I tried creating a version of a documentary that was filled with incredible heaps of depth and heaviness, that frankly, did not even exist. My grandmother and I talked quite a bit for this project. And it was truly nice to talk to her for so long and really sit down with her, seemingly for the first time maybe ever. I learned a few things. But most of the things I had known. A lot of questions I had asked went unanswered, or she couldn't recall, or somehow swirled into something completely different. She did this often. So, frankly, a lot of her life details are missing (moments, photos, etc.) There are major gaps in time with this project. Time passes quickly. In other words: it seems as if there is a lot of emptiness. And in that emptiness, a sense of loss, whether it be the loss of memories, family, friendships, childhood, etc.

And so the project pivoted to be what it is now.

90 years of her life are condensed into less than 30 minutes. While I realized that condensing all of it would be impossible, it's still frustrating nevertheless, because the lack of information from her (and you'll see this in the film) makes what I do know feel incomplete, like only seeing a shadow of a person.

What a strange feeling: to know everything and seemingly nothing at the same time. I figured out that maybe our relationship wasn't as close as I once believed. I know it's my own fault, but it really hurt for some reason.

Even so, while listening back to the audio from our interviews, she always somehow came back to talking about one thing: family. And even more so, how her happiness is shared in the happiness of her family. There's a quote at the beginning of the film by Simone de Beauvior. I got lucky one day clipping newspapers and thought it fit perfectly as it related to the story I was now telling. "One's life has value so long as one attributes to the life of others..." But that's where the clipping cuts off. The rest of the quote reads: "...by means of love, friendship, indignation and compassion." I know my grandma has lived her life that way. She finds value in life in those around her. I hope you can tell in this project that she loves deeply and that that love has permeated into my family.

I also hope that you can see, buried within her love, lies both joy and regret. Because love is complicated. It's deeply moving and frustrating and understanding and confusing. Truly, not to sound too trite, love is everything. And while the project isn't what I envisioned it would be when I first began this journey, I still hope it works to honor parts of what she calls her "boring" life and our relationship together.

There's a quote from a Japanese film I recently saw called "Drive My Car," that I believe kind of reflects the thoughts and emotions I had as I was recently editing the film and the current thoughts I have as I release it. "But even if you think you know someone well, even if you love that person deeply, you can't completely look into that person's heart. You'll just feel hurt. But if you put in enough effort, you should be able to look into your own heart pretty well. So in the end, what we should be doing is to be true to our hearts and come to terms with it in a capable way. If you really want to look at someone, then your only option is to look at yourself so squarely and deeply."

"Susie" is a project about my grandma. And who she is is different to everyone who knows her. I don't know Susie...just grandma. And I love her for who she is and isn't.

So please enjoy "Susie" for everything it is and maybe everything it isn't (including perfect.) And thank you for the kindness and support that allowed me the opportunity to create it in the first place.